The importance of having an ‘ology

When you read this story, you will have to decide for yourself what is truth and what is fiction. All I can promise you is that I haven’t made any of it up at all; it is all gleaned from published sources.

Once upon a time our planet was called Teegeeack. When I say once upon a time, I mean 75 million years ago. Back in the day, a middle-ranking alien galactic ruler called Xemu was in charge of some 76 planets within the galaxy, including Teegeeack, which we now call Earth.

Xemu experienced something that we are no strangers to ourselves – planetary overpopulation; the trouble was, he had 76 overpopulated planets – 178 billion aliens – and he felt the need do do some strategic downsizing. Being a wicked galactic ruler with a cunning plan, he got some of his colleagues to join with him in a dastardly plot. He told all of his populations that they had to attend special centres to have their taxes ratified. Once the aliens arrived at the tax offices, however, they were met with Psychiatrists who injected them with a mix of alcohol and glycol to paralyse them. They were then loaded into spacecraft that looked like 1950’s rocket-powered airplanes and flown by Xemu and his cronies to planet Teegeeack, or as we know it – Earth. Once they arrived, the billions of psychiatricaly-paralysed aliens were stacked carefully around the base of a number of giant volcanoes, and Xemu and his wicked alien friends placed Hydrogen bombs in each of the volcanoes and blew them up, thus destroying the bodies of the hundreds of billions of aliens.

But his plot didn’t work completely; for a start, there was a soul for each body, so suddenly several hundred billion souls were let loose, carried on nuclear winds to all corners of the galaxy. Xemu, realising his problem, built a number of electronic beam traps in outer space to capture the souls (or Thetans, as they were known) and eventually was satisfied that he had captured them all. He then had to decide what to do with so many trapped Thetans, so he decided to pack them in boxes and sit them all in cinemas and make them watch movies, movies laced with a number of strange ideas about what life could or should be like, including obviously-delusional concept like God and Devil – the movies were 3D to make them more compelling; and thus the Thetans were implanted with ideas.

When the films had ended, the Thetans were completely indoctrinated and had lost all sense of personal identity. In fact, the souls stuck together in clusters because they didn’t recognise their individuality. They needed to find a way to survive, though, so they found some of the last remaining Earth people and took over their bodies, thus creating a whole new species called Body Thetans. They still wander the Earth today; poor, troubled souls who prevent the human they are inhabiting from being free.

As for Xemu, he is still out there. His masters sent an army to capture him, which they did. He is locked now in captivity in a mountain on a distant planet. He is held in place by an electronic forcefield powered by eternal batteries – let’s hope they are reliable!!

There is, though, a way to help all those humans who have become Body Thetans. As luck would have it there is a group of people able to remove these Thetans, and reclaim the human soul from them. It is obviously extremely hard, specialist work so it does cost a lot of money. An awful lot. If you pay them enormous amounts of money, they can cleanse the Thetans from you and take your soul to a higher level. The more you pay them, the higher they can take you. The more money you have, the more levels they can create for you.

Of course, they are blessed with an important insight; all Psychiatrists are in league with Xemu and the Thetans and their mission is to continue to control your body and your mind and stop you from reaching the higher levels of spiritual functioning. They understand that humans will only ever be free once all the Psychiatrists have been completely disabled.

For some inexplicable reason they call themselves a religion, although others have different names for them.

To you and me, they are called Scientologists

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